I don’t know how to adequately describe the shame and embarrassment I felt at becoming a 28-year-old divorcée and single mother to a first-born 1-year-old, so I won’t try here. I will just say that, whether they were or they weren’t, I felt that everyone must be thinking, “what on Earth is wrong there?” I don’t think it was entirely in my head though, because a few people did ask me if E was “planned.” (She was.)
When I went to the divorced parenting seminar that my state requires for all divorcing people who share children, I was the youngest person there by at least 10 years. I was also the only one who had a child under the age of three, which I know because the presenter asked for a show of hands in various age groups.
Aside from my feeling like a serious fuck-up, the class was valuable; it was led by a family therapist who had decades of experience counseling people in exactly my situation. I especially remember when he broke from the required script to say, “I’ll tell you the three things common to the blended families who succeed”*, and I quickly flipped over my packet to take thorough notes. I guess I always knew that I wanted to get married again…even sitting in the middle of court-mandated divorce class. Call me a romantic.
However, the things that I wanted in my next partner changed substantially over the course of the next 2-3 years. Back then, I thought the most important trait in a prospective spouse would be the capacity to love another person’s kid.
I was wrong.
I came to realize that I needed someone with the capacity to love a child with whom he didn’t share genetic material, while also respecting and accepting our existing family structure and me as her parent.
What do I mean by that?
First, I mean that our existing family structure includes her dad. He is E’s family and therefore, by extension, a part of ours. Any and all adults in this family need to operate with an eye toward giving E the best and happiest life possible. There’s no room for egos, or jealousy and insecurity about the ex, because there is a long road of birthday parties, school plays, science fairs, graduations, and the like ahead of us. Second, I needed someone who respected and supported me in my role as her parent, rather than trying to share the title with me, or worse, undermining me.
And somewhere in those years, the embarrassment and shame I had felt at my situation largely disappeared and was replaced with a strength and pride I had never known before. I’d weathered the hardest season of my life yet, been torn down to what felt like nothing, and rebuilt myself. I was flourishing at work, my daughter was flourishing in preschool, a beautiful bond had grown between us, and I was proud of myself, dammit. I still am.
I didn’t want to settle for anyone who was trying to audition for the role of E’s dad and my white knight. E has a dad, and I don’t need to be saved. What I did want was a partner, and if E’s family expanded to include more people who loved and supported her then all the better. But anything less would be a downgrade to the status quo, and therefore a non-starter.
So I was looking, but not daring to hope, for a single man in his 30s, with the strength to take on the role of Stepdad, the maturity to occasionally be in a room with her dad without losing his head, the courage to see my fierce independence as something to be celebrated rather than something to be tamed, and didn’t mind that I didn’t want to bear his children (but more on that later).
I was looking for a unicorn.
*You may be wondering what those three things are! He said the three things common to successful blended families are: 1. They got involved post-divorce, 2. They took it slow, taking their time in the relationship and in introducing the kids, and 3. They got extra help.
Mother of Merchild 